- November 10, 2023
- Posted by: legaleseblogger
- Category: Related News
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Venting and Seeking Advice: New Girlfriend Struggling to Cope with Boyfriend’s Criminal Past
IÔÇÖm sorry if I sound like an awful person, IÔÇÖm just a girlfriend in search of ways I can help my partner as I am still new to this world, but please hear me out. I need to vent/seek advice.
Being with my boyfriend of 9 months has ruined my POV of the world.
I know he made his mistakes, I donÔÇÖt hold it against him. I know people can change and he is doing everything he can to rebuild his life post prison time and now being on probation for the next 5 years (for possession.)
But god freaking damn.
IÔÇÖm so freaking tired of having his charges be the first thing that come into my mind when I see a kid out in about. IÔÇÖm tired of sex being awkward and him feeling ÔÇ£wrongÔÇØ for having consensual sex with me. IÔÇÖm tired of every event needing to be pre-screened in my mind to make sure itÔÇÖs okay for him to go to. IÔÇÖm tired of walking adjacent to a school and being reminded of his baggage. IÔÇÖm tired of everything revolving around this event. Movies, tv shows, podcasts, everything seems to be a trigger for me in remembrance of whatÔÇÖs going on. I canÔÇÖt even look at a child without thinking of the freaking dumb horrible mistakes my boyfriend made. ItÔÇÖs like now, instead of seeing children and smiling, I see them and IÔÇÖm reminded of horrible crap. Crap that happened long before he and I even met.
IÔÇÖm trying guys, I really am. But IÔÇÖm so tired. How the freaking heck can I try to move past this so not every single thing reminds me of what happened to him and doesnÔÇÖt make me feel like our whole world only revolves around this???
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****** just grabbed a
My ex felt the same. At least she said so once.
If you can’t move past it, you’re just going to grow to resent him for it. Only a matter of time before it comes out in an argument or something. Forgiving yourself and moving on is *that* much harder when the person nearest and dearest can’t or won’t.
I struggle with this also. IÔÇÖve been with my partner for almost a year now and every little thing is now ÔÇ£taintedÔÇØ in my mind by his crime. The same kinds of thoughts you mentioned. Intrusive thoughts of how his crime colors the way I now interpret my surroundings and all things said and done, whereas I would more likely deem innocuous from a non-SO.
Not to mention the tremendous life changes I now must adhere to. Which holidays I can celebrate and how. Where I can take my dogs to play. Where I can live (with him). ItÔÇÖs a lot.
It’s hard work dating or living with an RSO. But if you can do it, it’s a stronger relationship than any other.
Most of the world don’t notice mist things in front of them. They dont understand that life and care unless they are personally involved.
I, too, did not care 5 years ago. Until I found out one of my friends who I had not seen in a while turns up as an RSO. What he did was horrible, and he spent a lot of time in prison for it. But now a changed person. He is still my friend I am to him. Actually, I feel our friendship is stronger than it ever been.
Since then, I have 7 others who are RSO’S that I call friends. My mind is more open now than then. And I understand life better. And in turn feel I am a better person. I now do mentoring others and talk about how everyone needs a second chance. I workbon changing the system so SO can recover and be better people for it.
It’s hard work but you will manage and you are a better person for dating him.
I think even the healthiest mind will be thrown for a loop, but you have to get hold of your thoughts and not let them tyrannize you.
The upside is that if you can do it, you will be stronger and more deliberate and conscious a person than most you’ll ever meet.
I feel the same with my loved one at times.
I try to remind myself, we get one life and IÔÇÖm living it for myself.
Whatever makes me happy, whoever makes me happy is all I care about.
None of this is going to matter when we are all dead. You need to live life for yourself with no regrets that includes loving who you love.
I would suggest seeking some counseling. Therapy can help in this situation. But remember also that as much as he needs you there to get thru his day and struggles, you have to want to be there. And reading the first few lines of your post, o got the strong feeling that you might not be around much or might not want to be around. You have to know what you want to deal with and what not. Like you said this is his mistake and not yours. But please understand that what we going thru, itÔÇÖs so much harder alone. Returning to my advice, seek help. Talk to someone and let out your anger and feelings. If not, you will end up resenting him and hating him for continuing to ruin your view on the world.
If this is how you feel just looking at strangers kids, how are you going to feel if you want to have children of your own some day? Would you feel safe having kids with him? If you can’t move past this, the relationship cannot survive. Your resentment will build up and eventually eat you up or you’ll start to take it out on him, which isn’t healthy for either of you.
Just think this, however you are feeling, it’s probably 100 times worse for him.
That’s how it is for you… imagine how it is for him, and all other sex offenders.
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I’m sorry you’re going through that, I can empathize well with how overwhelming and all consuming it starts to feel.
I don’t know if there’s really anything I can say to make it better, but, I totally hear you. That ultra sucks. I can’t imagine trying to deal with how difficult the world becomes and to pile on compulsivity with it. It speaks volumes to your strength as a person to have made it as far as you have.
I hope, that with time and some reassurance as to his efforts to change, you’ll be able grow into the new reality. At first it all seems like so much, but later, when you’re familiar with the rules you’ll see situations that are best to avoid or situations that arent risky at all, and you’ll recognize them so effortlessly and quickly that they won’t seem daunting.
It just takes time with these things. I think it shows great personal character for you to see past his mistakes as much as you do, and I hope it gets easier to see that his mistake doesn’t define him, and therefore isn’t evident in all aspects of his life. He just made a dumb ass choice, and things will be different as he works to take accountability and fix it.
I think your gut is telling you something. Maybe it’s not guilt, it’s disgust.
i want to applaud you for being with a man with baggage, and attempting to understand that person for who is and not what he is.
the path is a thorny one for sure, but if you can make it past it you will start to become desensitized to the hyper-alertness we feel about our surrounding in the first year.
obviously i cant tell you whether its better for you to stay with him or not, but if you choose to stay with him and if he’s really learned his lesson and practices relapse prevention with diligence, he will be a life partner who will always be devoted to you and appreciate you for being with him equal to or beyond any other conventional relationship.
best of luck and hope to hear how it goes down the road.
First off, I applaud you for not turning the relationship away just because of his offense. You seem to have given it an honest attempt. Unfortunately, only you can ultimately determine if the benefits and good that will come from your partnership outweighs the negatives that his offense will bring upon you. As an RSO with a Spouse that stayed with me through my 10 years of probation and the last 6 of being on the registry I have learned 2 things. 1) our relationship is stronger than most and she is an absolute saint. 2) it never would have worked if at some point she did not deal with my offense in a healthy way with a professional. If the resentment and passive aggression had never ceased, it would not have been good for either of us to continue just for the sake of continuing. There have been many many hard days and nights. Many hard conversations. But ultimately she saw me do the hard work to fight for the marriage and that led her to do the same. ItÔÇÖs a partnership and while I canÔÇÖt say she never thinks about it, she has done an incredible job of of moving our lives forward. Hope this perspective helps a little. And best of luck!
Have you considered therapy for PTSD? Or couples counseling?
My husband has been on the registry since he was 13. Long before I knew him. Being concerned about those things are just part of life.
ItÔÇÖs difficult, especially on probation where there are so many rules that you do have to think about it every single day.
You just have to make a decision as to whether you focus on what you canÔÇÖt do or you focus on what you can.
I would highly suggest getting some therapy though. IÔÇÖve spent a decent amount of time with my guys SOTP therapist working through things. ItÔÇÖs helped.
It’s almost funny to hear that coming from the significant other’s side of it. Almost. Unfortunately as the registrant I too feel this way, and feel like my entire sexual drive has shut down as a result of this wreath of shame. Bless you for trying. For however long you stay, you’re an angel for trying. Your lives should not revolve around a stupid possession charge, yet they do. As does mine. As does 3/4 of the guys in my SOTP group. It’s becoming the charge that will end something. I just hope it isn’t us.
I was married before everything went down with my husband and his charges were from he was 17. Mind you they charged him as an adult he is now 25, serving in state prison for something that happened 7 years ago. I do feel some type of way but I know my husband and I know he is not a bad person. If you are tired and constantly drained by your bf situation, I strongly suggest to leave him. Prioritize your well being. You’re not going to help him if you are constantly reminded of his past. You will not move forward and your life will be miserable. You know what are his baggages and if you canÔÇÖt help him carry it, this is not the life for you. If you canÔÇÖt move past his label, end the relationship now. I’mo.