Check out the most eccentric headlines from the week, presented as they might appear in a Classifieds section.

Professional Pathways

PAW-BLUCIST: From Ripley to Argylle, the film industry is currently fixated on casting felines—not just to portray a reclusive and lonely female character. Mr. Bigglesworth would surely approve of this trend.

NOTORIOUS ANTIQUE TRADER: The white Ford Bronco once driven by O.J. Simpson during his infamous 1994 low-speed chase is now up for sale by Simpson’s ex-agent and two acquaintances of the controversial driver, Al Cowlings. They are seeking $1.5 million for the vehicle, but are open to entertaining intriguing conspiracy theories.

Personal Pursuits

IN SEARCH OF A HOCKEY TEAM NAME: Salt Lake City is set to welcome an NHL team in the upcoming season, but team owner Ryan Smith is undecided on their moniker—”It will involve ‘Utah Something,'” he disclosed to NHL.com. The Washington Football Team paved the way for the Utah franchise’s branding journey.

QUEST FOR A RELAXED OKTOBERFEST: Bavaria has banned marijuana consumption at the renowned Oktoberfest celebration in fall. This restriction may pose a challenge for some attendees, as excessive alcohol intake can only enhance one’s appetite for oversized pretzels.

REBOOTING A CYBERTRUCK: A Tesla Cybertruck owner reported that his vehicle experienced a malfunction resembling a brick following a routine car wash. Fortunately, the issue was resolved after a complete system reboot.

Items Available for Purchase

HEAVENLY STAIRCASE—PRE-OWNED: The iconic staircase on Oahu, famously known as “The Stairway to Heaven,” will soon be dismantled due to illegal hiking activities by visitors, returning the name to a popular song your father can strum on his guitar.

REGAL PRESERVES: American Riviera Orchard introduces its inaugural product—a line of artisanal jams. Meghan Markle is gearing up to launch the brand officially this spring, and the public is refraining from any ridicule following past incidents.—MM