The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.

REAL-LIFE BENDER: The trendiest way to make your wedding cost even more isn’t an open bar or take-home seed packets emblazoned with sayings about your love growing—it’s hiring a guy to dress up like a robot and blast drunk guests with cold air from a giant, futuristic gun.

MUSIC BEEF COUNSEL: Tupac’s lawyers are threatening to sue Drake for using the AI-generated voice of Tupac in “Taylor Made,” a diss track mocking Kendrick Lamar. The legal team said the song needs to be deleted, or they will be forced to tell their own side of the story via George Michael AI.

CRUSTACEAN CHAPERONE: 100 cases of snow crab (worth roughly $30,000) were stolen from the back of a truck in Philadelphia. Vessels carrying large quantities of melted butter will be watched closely.

FOUND—CALCULATOR: iPad users will finally be able to avoid doing simple addition with their fingers. The next iPad operating system is rumored to include the Calculator app, which has been missing from the device since its creation.

LOST—RATE HOLE: Chicagoans will have to go back to worshipping boring old street-cat paw prints in the concrete, because its famous rat hole (a celebrated imprint of a rat in the sidewalk) was removed. The city said it’s being preserved and they are deciding what to do with it.

BITCOIN HISTORY: A yellow legal pad with the words “Buy Bitcoin” scribbled on it sold for $1 million (or 16 BTC) at auction. The DIY sign was flashed behind then-Fed Chair Janet Yellen during a televised House Financial Services Committee hearing in 2017.

UNDRINKABLE PERRIER: Two million bottles of the fancy sparkling water will need to be destroyed after bacteria of “fecal origin” was discovered in one of the French wells the company uses.—MM