- May 8, 2024
- Posted by: legaleseblogger
- Category: Related News
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## Situation Overview
My partner and I have been in a committed relationship for a significant amount of time. Throughout our relationship, we have always shared our earnings, considering it as our joint income rather than individual assets.
Currently, I am earning $170k per year, while my partner has recently started earning $100k annually. We have various financial obligations such as debt, expenses, and a mortgage, which I oversee diligently by adhering to a strict budget.
## Dilemma Regarding Side Gig Income
Despite our combined income, my husband has taken up a side gig that brings in an additional $30k per year. I see this extra income as an opportunity to expedite debt repayment, bolster our savings, or even treat ourselves to a well-deserved holiday. However, my partner insists on keeping this income, arguing that it is earned outside of his regular working hours.
## Need for Clarification and Insight
I am torn between respecting my partner’s autonomy over his side gig income and maximizing our financial resources for our mutual benefit. While I appreciate his perspective, I am uncertain about the fairness of his decision, especially in light of my inability to contribute a similar amount through additional work.
I am seeking diverse opinions and insights on this matter to help me navigate this dilemma and reach a resolution that aligns with both of our perspectives.
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I’ll keep it quick and short, but if I was in your situation, I would definitely assume the extra money would be treated just like all other money… communal and to be used towards debt and savings.
Sorry dude, that isn’t how marriage works. OP, your husband cannot keep his own separate stash. This is crazy. It doesn’t matter if it’s earned 9-5 or 5-9, it is a collective pot. Let’s just start there. Crazy idea, you can’t go along with it.
With that said, it sounds like you aren’t actually on the same page with finances. If I’m reading this situation right, he got a second job so that he could have more of a say where the money goes. This tells me that his needs aren’t being addressed by the ordinary household budget. To that end, I would say…
He needs to feel like a real partner in the budget planning. Are you lording your high salary over him? Are you maybe the “saver” out of the two of you and portray yourself as more responsible and morally superior because of it?
If you aren’t doing those things, then it should be a honest, open financial partnership, as is warranted in a marriage. And if you have that kind of partnership he has zero reason to try and keep some money to the side. Not that it would be acceptable if he had a reason, but we don’t even want there to be a reason.
The two of you need to have honest cooperation with each other, and you both need to be all-in. To try it another way is practically, legally, and morally frought.
Whose debt? who will the savings benefit? Likely both of you so….put the 30K into the pot. You can’t have it both ways. Besides, you’re the higher earner so you likely having been carrying the heavier load. He’s being… well… you know…
Yup, looks like you get an extra 70K a year to yourself then.
I would respond to husband. Fine keep the $30k but going forward I am contributing $100k to household and the other 70 is for for me
Imo, keep 70k$ to yourself so that it would be a contribution of 100k$ each. That’s what 50/50 is.
What kind of debt do you carry? If it’s anything higher than 4% interest I’d say it’s a non-starter. All extra income should hit that.
This might be more for r/relationships than here. Y’all need to have shared goals.
Relationship question, not financial. But no, your husband is a douche
There is no “right” or “wrong” this is a personal decision between you and your spouse. I would say the best thing would be to pool the money like you do everything else. However, I see some folks already name-calling the husband. So for devil’s advocate, remember he is doing this on his free time. Rather than read, or nap, or game or whatever, he is spending time earning. So I would dig more into why he wants the money. $30k a year of personal play money is no small amount. Maybe give him more control in the budget, let him feel involved. Perhaps help him budget that 30k for the thing he wants.
I am the budgeter in our household and these kinds of questions with my wife have been very beneficial towards reaching our savings goals, rather than just running over the other person and saying “YOU MUST GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO THE BUDGET AND AGREE WITH MY STRATEGY.” (Not saying you are doing that mind you, but that can be the perception.”
Then it’s not all “our money”. Why does he feel that he needs to bank money separately. You say you manage the finances, do you have the final say in money management decisions?
I think the best option here is you keep separate accounts and then each put a certain amount per month into a joint account to use for joint expenses. Ie if your total expenses are about 4k per month, then you should each contribute 2k into the joint account.
This is what my husband and I did when initially married, before we bought our house. When we bought our house and got pregnant, he was being paid weekly and I was getting paid monthly, so it was just easier to dump all our money into joint accounts (his salary technically covers day to day costs while I use mine for house updates or to build our savings etc)
However, I think your partner is being silly because he never had a problem with using your money that you earned. And it’s definitely more of a relationship discussion than strictly financial, especially since a lot of relationship issues start with financial disagreements.
Specifically, what does he think he’s going to do with 30k per year? Take solo holidays and leave you alone? It seems there is more going on and it isn’t fair to you.
I agree with your perspective that total compensation is total compensation, especially under the guise of active debt repayment. Maybe take a complete 50/50 view of it all by providing each of you with an equal allowance, so that he can still have an increase in his non-essential purchases, while still apply some of this increase towards shared holidays and debt?
From his point of view, he saying that he put all his salary in but he wants more for whatever it is he wants so he’s working extra to get that. If you say thank you I’ll take all that for the household budget then he’ll say I guess I just won’t do that. Like, if he had some kind of hobby, he wanted to spend his money on. It makes sense that he works extra to fund it.
In this case I feel like what your husband is interested in isn’t necessarily to keep all of the extra income he generates but rather that he wants to have an increased discretionary spending budget and likely isn’t very clear communicating that.
I could also see a situation where he is intent on starting a business of some kind with employees and wants/needs to keep that income separate for tax purposes and/or reinvestment into growth. If that’s the case then the income belongs to neither spouse and instead belongs to the company. Disbursements of earnings would be joint income which would probably tie back into the first paragraph.
Edit: All the other comments appear to be bashing your husband and complaining about your relationship (as reddit always does). I feel like we’re likely not getting a complete picture and I’m confident your husband isn’t communicating effectively what he wants.
I fully disagree with him. To make less than your spouse and have more spending money than them *only* because you contribute less % of your income to the home is unfair.
I don’t like the idea of shared income, but if it was my life, I don’t care where you get your money if we agreed that all of our earnings go towards strengthening our unit.
I tried to keep it logical.. but like someone else said, you’re asking for relationship advice.
I think it’s only fair you deduct $30k from your current income and keep it for yourself. And if you really want to keep things equitable you can deduct up to $70k to keep for yourself. Again, all in fairness.
Is he wanting to keep it like it’s exclusively his and he can spend it however he likes, or like he wants to save it in a joint account? If he’s keeping it all for himself then I absolutely don’t think that fair. I would talk to him about some kind of allowance system for you guys rather than him just spending his extra income however he wants while you have to dedicate yours to bills. I’ve met couples who had success with setting a weekly or monthly amount of money that each of them is allowed to spend however they want without consulting the other. It’s fair and let’s there be some fun money without it getting out of hand. I would consider spending $30k a year or even whatever it comes out to post tax on wants rather than needs when you have debt out of hand
There may be a few other factors to consider. You have a shared account but is he allowed to spend the shared money? What kind of things does he want to put the extra $30k towards? Where did the debt come from?
I can see scenarios where this could lean either way:
– he just made a large purchase to put you in debt and then wants to keep his side hustle money too… jerk move. He needs to put his money towards his new toy
– you bought a new toy after hearing he started making money and now you want him to cover your new toy. You would be the jerk. He keeps his money.
– you are both putting so much towards debt that this side hustle gives him a bit of room to breathe. Maybe there’s a compromise. Im sure you’d like to breathe too.
A lot to consider before taking sides.
This is a tough one because you are both right.
You are right from a money of view. You make more during the day job and contributed to your joint costs it seems fair that your partner contributes all of their money n
Your partner is right that it’s a time issue. You have your day job and then spend your free time on things you want for your fun. Your partner has their day job and is spending their free time making money that presumably is to be applied to their wants and fun.
Since this is a finance sub what is his intention with the money? 30k is a lot to be blowing on fun. Is there a long term plan? Or is it a short term thing where they will make $x amount and then stop the side hustle.
Also if you go to him like some are advising and saying this is a non starter and he is being an douche, why would he continue making the 30k with his free time? If we stick to our guns and say he has to because it puts his 100k closer to your 170k then apply his extra money to a marriage therapist because you two would be headed to relationship problems.
My thought and opinion, shaped obviously by an expensive divorce with someone I was married to a long time that I shared finances with, is that in the end, it all gets shifted through and sorted out by lawyers and community property applies, unless you reach some sort of settlement. Since you both make roughly the same amount of money, although you make more, and he could get you for alimony, it all just comes out in the wash. so these little decisions about whose money is whose money while you’re married… just blips on the radar. There really is no his money and your money if you don’t have prenuptial agreement. It is all your money regardless of whatever imaginary systems you guys guys want to set up all your married. Not saying you’ll get divorced but it is factually community $
For your first question, I think it really depends. It doesn’t sound like you’re hurting for money, so the question I have is around how he’s earning the extra money, and why you can’t do the same.
For instance – if he’s woodworking as a hobby, and spending his free time doing so, I think it’s fine for him to want to keep it, for fun money or to fund his hobby. However, if the reason you say that you don’t have the capacity to earn additional income is because you have less free time, or work more hours, or do more chores, then he should definitely contribute at least a portion to the household. If the reason is just that you never learned woodworking and/or have no interest in it, then saying you don’t have the capacity to earn like that is just invalid, because you could learn if you wanted.
On the other hand – if he works part time while you work full time, AND he’s adding in additional income, then it really doesn’t matter, because he’s not pulling the same workload you are.
I don’t have advice really other than to say you need to work it out with him. Did he take on this side gig to earn money for a specific purpose? Like I’m going to do this so that I can buy a plane or something? I could see that as a reason for him to keep it. I.E. if he wasn’t going to spend the money he wouldn’t be doing the work. I would probably want to reconfigure my budget entirely to account for the money assuming your budget has a “do whatever I want category” If your budget doesn’t allow for him to spend a few hundred/thousand from time to time of his on choosing he may feel stifled and perhaps you should loosen up a little bit. I have no actual idea what your situation is like so I can’t judge. Most important thing to remember is that money is important but so is happiness.
It sounds like you guys arent on the same page. In my relationship, we have my account, his account, and OUR account. We have an agreed upon amount our account needs to have at all times. The rest goes into our personal. I absolutely cannot force someone to live a strictly communal life with me. We are both individuals and we both have things we like that the other doesnt, so they and I need the freedom to buy our own treats. Hope that helps.
You either share all your money or you don’t.
Why does he get a secret fund and you don’t?
Also, legally, without a prenup, it likely is both of your anyways.
My spouse and i make different amounts but pay the same into the shared account which is for mortgage, groceries, utilities etc. Everything else is our own so there are differences in retirement savings, recreational spending, car payments if it’s mainly one person’s car, etc. I think you guys need to do this. Get your common budget under 200k and you do what you want with your 70k and he does what we wants with his 30k 🙂
Also my belief is when it’s all one big pot, people usually are not budgeting down to the last dollar and some is definitely getting wasted.
That’s crazy. I would ask why he feels the need to stow away income for himself? If he won the lottery would he keep it all too? If you agreed upon combining it all, stick to that.
What are your expenses like if $100k each doesn’t already result in debt reduction, savings, and “maybe a holiday”…?
I guess I’m a bit confused, because at this level of income, you both should have surplus money unless you’re living way outside your means.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable that side gig money be used for a person’s hobbies or whatever in a situation where the household already has more than enough money. If you were struggling, yes, it makes sense to use every dime coming in for shared expenses.
Something isn’t adding up to me.
It looks like an unpopular opinion, but I can see this both ways. He’s using his free time to work for extra money, while you use yours for, well, free time.
I think I would approach it as the extra money goes to the household, but I would make sure that he (both of you really) feels like he has an appropriate amount of money to spend on what he values. It sounds like maybe he doesn’t feel like that and so he’s looking for a way to get some extra.
I know if I wanted to buy something that my husband thinks is a waste of money or not in our budget and I went out and got a second job to pay for that thing, I would be very irritated if that money couldn’t be used to buy that extra thing and instead had to go into the house budget.
you say husband, but then you also say “partner” and “relationship” instead of marriage. Not to nitpick I’m just trying to understand if you are legally married
if you are, then all money is shared money and there is no other way to run finances in a marriage.
Do you have kids? Who does more chores around the house? If he works on his project after hours does it mean that you cook him dinner and do his laundry in the meantime? does he pay you for that? what does he want to do with “his” money? is there some sort of a bias where all the “shared” money gets spent in a way you decide and you throw in that you make more in some of the conversations?
I think there’s a lot of talk it out needed. Points to consider:
1. If he keeps that extra income, does it go back into the side gig?
2. How does him not being around in those extra hours put more work on you?
3. Is there a threshold at which extra income DOES go into the shared pot? If not, perhaps there’s a threshold of your earned income/bonuses/raises that should now go to a personal pot of yours.
4. What are the plans for the extra income? Would personal vacations impact your overall relationship? Would extra things affect your home?
5. How does this additional money affect taxable income and taxes in general? Does that additional come out of his extra?
I don’t think it’s necessarily a negative to keep your own pot of money, but both of you should be on the same page.
Unless you guys had a prenup that states otherwise, all income is everyone’s income in marriage.
What’s yours is ours and what’s mine is mine? Nope, that’s not right. Either he keeps the $30k and you keep the $70k or you share it all.
OP is correct. I have a couple side gigs that bring in similar money and it’s treated as one big pile then divided up to savings, debts etc. Your day job makes 80% or so more than his. If he wants to keep that 30k from side gigs ,take back your 80k to equal is 100k and see how me likes it.
Do you have children? I suspect not. Hard to imagine this happening with kids’ expenses involved. That would be a different level of selfishness.
I only bring that up to say, this is why this shit gets *hard* for people when they’re just living for themselves/their own material needs/comforts/goals (that’s not a dig, it’s a fact). If you were ok with the financial arrangement before (i.e your husband *not* earning the extra $30k, same debts/assets/plans), then the issue seems to be one of emotional injury, not financial equity.