- December 2, 2023
- Posted by: legaleseblogger
- Category: Related News
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**Challenges in Housing Due to Parental Circumstances**
Feeling Desperate for Some Advice on My Current Housing Situation
Hello Reddit,
As a Japanese citizen who grew up in the states, I am currently facing a dire situation with my housing and family dynamic. At 27 years old, I am residing in a home with my parents, who are technically divorced but continue to cohabit. The house costs 150,000 yen a month in rent, which I single-handedly cover, leaving me with little to no savings from my 250,000 yen monthly income. This financial burden has become increasingly overwhelming.
My 80-year-old father, despite being in the later stages of life, maintains too much pride to accept þöƒµ┤╗õ┐ØÞ¡À (welfare) from the government. As a result, I find myself trapped in this living arrangement unless I leave my father behind. While my mother is supportive and accommodative, her income is limited, and she is striving to build a financial reserve. Complicating the situation is the fact that my dad is ineligible to rent a house under his name due to his age.
In the current scenario, I am at a loss about what possible options I have and how to navigate this challenging predicament to ensure a sustainable living arrangement for all involved. I hope to receive insightful advice and perspectives on how to address these pressing concerns.
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In the given situation, the AI Legalese Decoder can help by analyzing pertinent legal documents, such as rental agreements or family laws, to ascertain the specific rights and obligations of all individuals involved. It can provide an in-depth understanding of relevant legal language and terms, allowing for informed decision-making and potential courses of action.
Furthermore, the AI Legalese Decoder can offer guidance regarding potential welfare assistance and the legal implications of such a decision. By decoding intricate legal terms and statutes related to social welfare programs, it can assist in comprehending the processes involved and the potential impact on familial arrangements.
Additionally, the AI Legalese Decoder’s ability to interpret complex legislations and regulations can shed light on the options available for housing arrangements, especially concerning the challenges posed by the father’s pride and the division of responsibilities. By unraveling legal complexities, it can empower individuals to explore viable solutions and chart a sustainable path forward in the housing predicament.
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****** just grabbed a
Too proud for welfare but not to proud to steal his childÔÇÖs money and future (because you cannot save). DonÔÇÖt understand parents like that.
Look, your dad doesnÔÇÖt really seem to care about you if he is forcing you to subsidize his life instead of simply getting the money from the government. Have you spoken to him about this?
Ultimately you need to live your life. Move out cheaper and then help him to apply for assistance
One thing to consider since heÔÇÖs 80. He may have undiagnosed mental health issues.
My mother had early onset dementia but until it had progressed severely, I assumed her unusual behaviour or convictions was ÔÇ£mom being unreasonableÔÇØ. It was only in retrospect that I realized she was perceiving the world differently than reality.
Agree with other posts that best option is to move out and save yourself, while helping him apply for assistance.
Alternatively, you could try to increase your income- I think you should be able to find much better than 25õ©ç/month just by virtue of speaking native English and Japanese. Maybe try using some recruiting sites or agencies.
Another possibility if he insists on a large house, is to keep the size but downgrade the location to somewhere cheaper. Probably not feasible though, since this would mean more rural and isolated.
Best of luck, and whatever you do secure your own future before helping others! You don’t want to look back in 50 years regretting your wasted young years.
Dude I feel sorry for you. 150,000 yen rent on a 250,000 salary is brutal. I use to live on 250,000 yen in a 57,000 yen 1K apartment and I barely saved anything. Is your dad paying utilities? Still, that’s pretty rough. Definitely move out into an apartment. Tell your dad he can come live with you but you might have to share a bed.
MOVE OUT.
You’re 27 years old – you need to build your own life.
Not to mention, you could pay 1/3 of that for rent.
Move out. Now. Like, yesterday. I get that family stuff is hard, but you cannot – CANNOT – sacrifice the rest of your life just because your family seems willing to do that to you.
I cannot fathom a parent that would happily sacrifice his child’s future for his wellbeing.
You know what you need to do. If you don’t fix this, whatever happens down the road is no longer your dad’s fault, it’s yours. FIX THIS NOW.
This is a good example of a shift in culture that we are seeing all over Asia.
The past generations expected that when they got old, they would live with their child and help raise he grandkids. The traditional Japanese household with three generations under one roof. They expected that becuase that’s how a lot of them grew up.
Unfortunately, younger generations now know that their kids (if they even have kids) are not going to fully support them when the get old, so they get the worst of everything.
So you need to make a choice:
– Continue to support your parents, knowing that you also somehow need to save up for the future as it unlikely that you will have the same support when you get old.
– Get your father to realize he miscalculated what future Japanese society would be like. Have him apply for welfare and work out a plan where he somehow continues to stay in the house under your name, or finds more reasonable accommodation.
You can still support your parents without sacrificing your own future.
You are not alone. Pretty much every family has to make these kinds of decisions at some point. Every person needs to swallow a little pride when they get too old to support themself.
Whatever you do, do it now. Being Japanese, your father will most likely live for another 10+ years or even 20 years, but by the time your father died, you will be in your 40s but without enough saving for starting anything you wanted to do.
They should move to a small, inexpensive apartment and begin receiving government assistance for elderly.
There are many inexpensive apartments. Between your FatherÔÇÖs pension and your motherÔÇÖs work, they should certainly be able to afford something, and receiving government assistance is very common for elderly.
If heÔÇÖs 80 then he should also start using the kaigo services for elderly. There are many, many programs to assist the elderly because of course pension is not enough. He should not expect you to replace the government. Tell him that he has a right to utilize those services because heÔÇÖs worked and paid taxes his whole life. Now he deserves to get the benefits. ThatÔÇÖs how the system is designed.
there was some document I saw while back where young people are losing their chance in life because they take care of their parents. It is good if you can take care of your parents and I would do the same, however if you start it too early in 20s then you will not have enough resources to do it. your own life progress will suffer. either financially or socially or both. It sounds hard but I would just simply say straight up that you cannot afford it and your father needs to look at the reality instead of living in the past when he had higher standard of living. what is pride anyway if you are making your son to pay for your rent?
Mark my words, if you continue to allow your father to do this to you, YOU ARE HIGHLY LIKELY TO DO THIS TO YOUR FUTURE SON.
Destroying the curse of your father can start with you. It doesn’t have to extend to your kids unless you let it.
It sounds weird that your dad is wealthy (was even a CEO) but did not buy a property to settle down for the rest of his life? And does not have savings and investments that can support himself and his family…
For 3 people, 150k a month rent doesn’t sound like a big house either. I’m sure there are cheaper alternatives for similar sizes.
Sounds to me you have a moral obligation to take care of your dad but he is abusing this relationship. Since the house is under your name, you should just make your own decision, perhaps move the entire family to a cheaper place. And of course like what others have said, increasing your income is a natural path to take.
No pension or savings on his side either ? Coming from wealthy family are there no relatives to help ?
But yea …it’s a tough one , good luck , whichever you would choose
My comments come from the perspective of a parent as I have kids around your age. Firstly, I would never burden my children financially or otherwise so I canÔÇÖt understand your parents. Secondly, if your father wants a big house then he should be an adult and pay for it. Otherwise, he must suck it up and join the real world. I want to fly first class but IÔÇÖm not asking my kids to pay!
Being a good child is great but you need to establish your own life. YouÔÇÖve already done more than enough although it may be a good idea, as suggested, to get your fatherÔÇÖs mental faculties checked by a doctor. Finally, get a better paying job. My kids out earn you greatly. Dad has spoken!
Hey OP, I donÔÇÖt have advice better than what some of folks here have already mentioned. However I just wanna say that your story hit REALLY close to home for me. IÔÇÖm proud of you for being brave enough to even consider an ÔÇ£outÔÇØ from this situation (it took me too long, personally). I know how suffocating it is to be the one having to sustain the demands and pride of parents who are stuck in a certain mindset.
The government welfare comes from your father’s tax? Why not take it? Also how about pension? He’s old enough to get it as well.
Move to cheaper place, tell him because of his pride you need to give up the old place.
ItÔÇÖs sad to see that ego and pride comes before the welfare of the people around you.
Ego wonÔÇÖt solve the problem.
ItÔÇÖs a difficult conversation to have with your dad but itÔÇÖs also necessary to put some boundaries.. Good luck OP
You must not sacrifice your financial future on the altar of your father’s pride.
As the CEO of a company, he should understand the accounts.
Listed out the expenses and income of your household, in short format excel.
Ask him how he feels if his son who is on a minimum wage, simply have nothing left in case of accident or illness. It is either cut the expenses, or losing the son (you). Tell him that the greatest treasure that he has is you, not the speakers.
It’s easy to say you should move out, but I can see the legal issues if the rent’s in your name and the emotional issues of effectively throwing your parents in the street.
You dad has obviously had a destructive way of thinking for many years. Dementia or not, don’t expect change.
It’s time to thInk strategically to get them both the maximum welfare and ensure they pay their way. In a similar situation (deadbeat freeloaders, not parents) I cut utilities (incl wifi) and bathed at the sent┼ì. After a week constructive negotiations were underway.
That strategy worked for me. There are plenty of others. Imagination is the only limit.
But yeah, get your dad to the doctor. He’s a crazy mad bullshitter out of options and maybe drifting out of reality.
Why don’t you move out and let them manage with a pension? You could also contribute a few tens of thousands of yen. Your father solely relying on you seems really unreasonable.
There are some oddities here: your father still works at 80 (!), your mother is divorced but still fulfilling her roles as wife and mother (!), but these shouldn’t distract from the most critical point: **you don’t own your home**.
You are sitting on a financial time bomb my friend.
So in the near future, you can reasonably expect to be paying significant medical / care expenses for one or both of your parents. Also, I might reasonably assume you may want to get married and have kids. If you think you have trouble paying rent now…
At 27, you are taking care of your parents, and you are renting your house. The flipside of that financial responsibility is these decisions are yours to make, they are no longer your parents.
Write him a letter explaining that the situation is impoverishing you. Also explain that the pension has already been paid for by him.
OP, you seem like you know/have a general idea of ÔÇ£whatÔÇØ you want to do, but donÔÇÖt know the ÔÇ£howÔÇØ (based on the responses).
My assumption is that your father is either þöÿÒüêÒüªÒéïto your generosity, or is actually mentally unwell. And to an extent, I would even consider your mom to be a contributing factor for not being more proactive for your wellbeing (only based off of what I read).
Now regardless of either situation (þöÿÒüêÒüªÒüäÒéï/mental issue) if your fatherÔÇÖs not easily convinced by any logical argument, which IÔÇÖm sure youÔÇÖve already attempted, it really only leaves you with one optio. You probably should stop supporting this situation to prolong.
If heÔÇÖs simply just þöÿÒüêÒüªÒéïto you and the situation, then heÔÇÖll get a hard reality check along with your mother, once you leave them and go independent. What can he do? HeÔÇÖll be forced to ask the government or help or go homeless/sell his speakers etc.
If heÔÇÖs mentally ill, your departure would likely make it more obvious. Your mother might realize that heÔÇÖs acting odd, for example.
Either way itÔÇÖs not that you will completely cut ties with them. You should definitely stay in touch (but without disclosing where you live etc), so that you can monitor their situation.
I would spend few months looking for a new residences for you and your family respectively. Have everything like movers, mail transfers, utilities etc for yourself, and have a move out date set. Set your move out date a few months before your parents, and lay it out to your family the day before you leave. Tell them they have few months to figure out their situation, but youÔÇÖre moving out now and you wonÔÇÖt be supporting them financially no longer. It would be nice if you give them info/ suggestions on new residences, movers, a list of to doÔÇÖs etc before moving but thatÔÇÖs up to you.
Ultimately I think you need to go the brute force method to straighten things out.
well I would cancel the contract and move out.
your father will need a reality check and let go things.
being kicked out might wake him up.
but yeah elderly is super ganko. I dont believe he is at age that can make a sound decision.
You could get guardianship of your dad by claiming he is too old / senile to make decisions. Then you get to decide everything for him, specifically about money.
So heÔÇÖd rather take money from his family than take money from the government?
IÔÇÖd lay down the law and tell your father how itÔÇÖs going to be from now on. If he wonÔÇÖt agree to it, then just do whatÔÇÖs best for you and your mother and leave him to wallow in his own filth. Your father seems like a real selfish prick. Let reality teach him a lesson.
youre dad dont have any pension savings, but he was a CEO and now hes broke? he lived the heydays in bubble era with no savings? I thought all japanese people saved lots of money if he didnt, beggars cant be choosers.
however, how many years did he pay for you when you didnt contribute anything while you grow up? so i mean, you have an obligation to him too, but you have no obligation to pay for the nicer and more exclusive things than you can afford
I mean, this isn’t a great option, but what would he do if you left? You could find a cheaper place living on your own…
i don’t think he can get þöƒµ┤╗õ┐ØÞ¡À based on how you describe him (still working?)
I can see how this is really emotionally challenging from him. But perhaps you have to confront him and say that itÔÇÖs quite acceptable to get something back from the government he has voted for and paid sales tax and other taxes to for so long. It is normal to get help in older age. Try to see if there is someone else in the family or friends who are willing to encourage him that itÔÇÖs not shameful somehow. He seems exceptionally Ganko stubborn so I think in the end you have to be willing to really push and do whatÔÇÖs right for you and your life.
That sounds like a very difficult situation. ItÔÇÖs possible you could change his mind by trying to get him to realize heÔÇÖs being selfish and hurting you and your future for his pride, but IÔÇÖm sure youÔÇÖve already tried various ways of convincing him. So then, you either endure it until he passes away or else cut him off. Both could be painful for you one way or another. IÔÇÖve experienced the situation of my mother and her siblings having to force my grandmother to move out of the house sheÔÇÖd lived in for 70 years, and it honestly kind of broke her. She had dementia that was gradually getting worse, but the process of being forced to move was traumatic and she was like a completely different person. It was painful to experience. It sounds like some of your fatherÔÇÖs stubbornness may be coming from dementia or something like that too. Is there any prospect of getting a higher paying job? Anyway, good luck. Dealing with parents can be difficult and complicated. I hope it works out one way or another.
Stay strong. Stay cool.
I’m praying for the best for Japan and Asia in general. Hoping that everything will always be ok there. God bless you.
Your father doesn’t get to make BS decisions. He has made enough and he is both leeching off of you and has demonstrated he is somewhat of a selfish manipulator. He has also demonstrated he is incapable of managing his own finances by being CEO and not having a house, or savings.
Your father is no longer head of the household. You are the head of the household and it is you that will be making decisions for the family, not him. His decisions are to do what he is told, or go and do his own thing, or kill himself, as he suggested. In addition to a substantial amount of money, it sounds like you are giving up your life, your chance at marriage, having kids, and love. Although you sound like a nice guy, it would have to be a special woman who thinks moving into an apartment that you can’t afford to look after the husbands two elderly divorced parents is tolerable.
If you want to live with them, that is nice for them, but if I were you, I would be moving them into somewhere they can afford, thinking long term about where they are going when they can’t look after themselves, and forcing them to get all assistance they can.
Looking after your parents as you have been means being a slave, maid, and nurse to them for maybe the next 30 years. I would pass on that, and any parent that loved their child would not ruin their life.
Your parents lived their lives and they are in the situation they are in probably because of your father. It’s not your job to try to rescue them for the next 30 years. The government can do that.
Are you 100% sure he isn’t receiving all he is entitled to? He seems somewhat irresponsible in that he was “CEO” but never bought a house, doesn’t have savings, didn’t pay tax, and is happy to make you pay while acting proud. Is he bitter towards your mother or do they get on okay?
He sounds like he is selfish and has a vice like gambling.
I wonder if it’s reasonable to negotiate with him on splitting the rent. Even if your dad has contributed for your tuition as you mentioned in a reply, I wonder paying this rent for a couple of years can already total up to the amount of the tuition and use it as support in this negotiation. Convince him that him and mom needs to find ways to get 75,000 yen, he may then have to consider welfare or find other ways to get money. Not sure if it depends on who is registered as head of house hold for welfare consideration, but I believe you can split and have two head of households in one house.
Do you think he has issues with financial management? My father also owned a company, but I feel that he has no skills in managing money. Maybe it comes from the attitudes and lifestyles of the past in Japan.
Best situation would really be to live apart and be able to have mind off of the situation. But I know it is not easy as this is a family issue and the cultural influences. Really hope you will find some solutions, at least a step towards improvement. Hope you can also talk to your mom or any family members for help.
Sorry to hear about this situation. Maybe you can explain to your father your financial situation and try to make an agreement as you eventually will also get married and have your own family. This is not a pride situation but survival one. I understand that you can not abandon your family too but perhaps might be some solution.
I’m not sure if you live in Tokyo or else where, but if you live in Tokyo how about to move to more suburb areas such as Saitama or Chiba where rent can be cheaper. In the remote villages there are many abandoned houses, perhaps your family can move there and you can visit them once in awhile. Your dad and mother can also do a part time job there too. The communities outside Tokyo are stronger and they tend to help each other. I lived in the country side for a month near Hiroshima, and the neighbors always came to help us anytime. They would give vegetables from garden or anything they had, it was very kind and warm whereas in Tokyo feels cold. I hope you will solve this issue.
IÔÇÖd also ask your dad if he paid taxes. If he did then he shouldnÔÇÖt hesitate taking government assistance.
Wow that’s a lot. You need to move out. I would suggest looking into social services that can help you find a cheap place to live.
ThatÔÇÖs a lot. Actually many of my Japanese friend if not all pay ÔÇ£rentÔÇØ to their parents as soon they get a job. The maximum was half of salary lol.
IÔÇÖm lucky my parents didnÔÇÖt ask a penny ƒÿØ
Personally IÔÇÖd say move out. Your parents are adults, you shouldnÔÇÖt have to affect your financial position in life just because your (no offense) dinosaur father has too much pride for stupid reasons.
However, if you donÔÇÖt want to leave them, then Surely your dad gets his pension, right?
Have him contribute half the rent from his pension. Then youÔÇÖd be paying ┬Ñ75,000, which is a pretty average rate of rent
ThatÔÇÖs fine IÔÇÖm your age and I pay 350,000 a month. I guess it just depends on your salary. 150,000 is great for Tokyo.
A bit of advice: suck it up. He’s not much left. You will not regret it after he passes away. You have your whole life ahead of you. Let your dad live the rest of his life the way he wants. He sacrificed too much already for you. Cherish the moments you have while it lasts. You will have your day. Maybe your children will do the same for you if you raise them accordingly. If you are not in debt nor hungry, hang in there. You will be alright.
I’m speaking as an outsider so I may not be 100% correct but in Japan the major expenses such as medical, etc. are taken care of by insurance so the only thing you need to spend on is rent and groceries. So even after spending 150k yen on rent you are still left with 100k only for groceries as an expense. Even if you spend 50k on groceries you are still left with 50k to spend. So what’s the problem?