- April 30, 2024
- Posted by: legaleseblogger
- Category: Related News
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## Feeling Guilt and Confusion
I am not an RSO seeking advice, but the partner of one. Their offense did not involve another person, and they ceased the behavior when we started our relationship. However, their past caught up with them soon after. Despite their past, I can’t help but feel immense guilt. Why do I still love someone who has committed a crime? As someone who has been a victim of SA throughout my childhood, shouldn’t I be less empathetic? Am I a bad person for continuing to love them?
## Fear and Isolation
The guilt I carry makes it difficult for me to get close to anyone, for fear of them uncovering my partner’s past. The potential consequences haunt me – what if my academic scholarship is revoked, or I lose the few friendships I have managed to cultivate? Leaving seems like the easiest solution, but I have nowhere else to turn. With no family or close friends to rely on, the prospect of leaving is daunting.
## The Dilemma of Love
Despite the challenges and the emotional turmoil I face, I find it hard to walk away. My partner and their family have shown me genuine love, which I have never experienced before. However, as much as I wish for things to be different, the reality of the situation remains. This internal conflict feels like a heartbreak from which I may never recover. It feels like a constant weight on my shoulders.
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“Why do I love someone that has done something wrong?” Unpack that. Who hasn’t done something wrong? You’ll never love someone who hasn’t done something wrong. We’ve all done immoral, unethical, harmful things in our lives.
“Shouldn’t I be less empathetic?” Nope. People who have experienced trauma are often far MORE empathetic to humans and their inherent imperfections. Empathy is never a bad thing.
“Am I a bad person for still loving them?” No.
“What’s wrong with me?” The only thing wrong is that you are judging yourself by society’s standards which are ultimately an illusion anyway. Everyone wants to insist that they’d never love an RSO, they’d never forgive them, they’d never blah blah blah – bullshit. The second it’s someone they already loved before the crime was committed, those same people wrestle with exactly what you’re wrestling with now. This issue is not black-and-white. We all love people who have done bad things and we’ve all done bad things and we’re still loved by others. There’s nothing wrong with you at all.
Yes, it’s likely that this relationship could affect you in the future. But probably not to the extent you’re thinking. And in the end, the people who bail are people who don’t share your same values when it comes to empathy, compassion, humility, kindness and grace. When those people bail, let them go. They’re not your people. Hatred thrives in the darkness and you are living in the light. Stay there.
Every person on this planet has done *something* wrong. Obviously there are varying degrees to that, but absolutely not one person alive made it to adulthood without harming *someone*.
What’s wrong with you? To be blunt, you probably need to speak to a therapist and work on clearing up why you feel guilt for someone else’s past actions. It’s not *your* guilt to feel. You are not a bad person for loving someone who did something bad. You are not required to be *less* empathetic because you were a victim. If anything, being a victim has made me *more* understanding of my *own* trauma. But I had to work through that with a therapist. It wasn’t something I could unpack on my own.
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I don’t know what your scholarship is, what it’s for, if it’s to a school with a hardcore ethics policy then maybe there’s a possibility but most schools don’t have that. You *shouldn’t* lose it for someone else’s actions.
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Friends: Maybe… but do you want friends who aren’t supportive of *you*?
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I understand how you feel, that you can’t be close to people, terrified others will find out, etc… I felt the same way. I created a lot of distance between me and the rest of the people in my life, terrified that they would find out and my life would be ruined (and a lot of it likely would be.) It hasn’t happened yet. Hopefully it won’t.
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But one day I woke up and decided not to feel that way. No amount of worry will help anything. All it does it hurt *me* and, for what? If I look back on my life and the amount of time I’ve spent worrying about things that never happened – I’ve wasted a *lot* of time that could’ve been spent on something positive. If it happens then I will deal with it. Worrying about it won’t change it either way.
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You’re beating yourself up for someone elses actions. They’re not your actions. They’re not your fault. They’re not your responsibility. You didn’t cause them, could not have stopped them, and are in no way, shape, or form even remotely at fault for them.
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Don’t carry other peoples baggage. You have enough on your own, we all do. You can love someone and not carry *their* baggage around.
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Don’t make your life choices based on how *other* people feel, make them on how *you* feel.
Please, please, please find a therapist to help you work through your trauma. I wasted so much life before I did that and I regret every year I spent un-whole.
I am too with someone that is an RSO and I am also a victim of SA. It is a weird feeling and I felt guilt for awhile as well. Thoughts of maybe I should leave and never wanting to get close to anyone. Ive realized love is love and people aren’t their past. People grow and there is nothing wrong for seeing the good in people. I have a significantly smaller friend group and hardly talk with my family. It came to a point for me that I had to cut them off. It was harder pretending around people who in the end couldn’t agree with my happiness. I never expected people to understand, but it’s different when they cannot accept your life path. Having people around with that mindset will only make this situation worse, and it shows they never had your true happiness in mind. Do not put other peoples opinion of your decisions before your happiness or you’ll never truly be happy. Staying with my husband and not listening to everybody else has been the best decision I’ve ever made. It’s been extremely challenging, but I wouldn’t do anything differently. Listen to your heart and know you aren’t the only one in a similar situation. <3
My husband and especially my kids have asked me why I have friends and dome close ones who are RSOs. They know I was raped when I was 9 and again at 17 and sexyallt abused in otherwise on and off from 6 to 17, so why I’m still friends. I think Ota for 2 reasons, obey. I can prevent them from going on and doing it again, but understanding them and being there gor them. The second is to find out why they did it so I can understand why it was done to me.
So it’s ok to have a love who is a SO and you are not bad for it
You bring also understand why you were abused and you giving someone an other change in love, and I’ve. You are better than most.
I’m sorry you’re going through this!! Plenty of so’s here to help if you need!!
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You aren’t alone.
My gf has been with me for almost 8 years now. She too was a victim of sexual abuse by her father who is lucky to still be in the picture.
She loves me for what i done for her. The fact we sometimes find people who learn to look past our…well past. And give many of us our second chances in life.
I hope thrnguy is greatful and you are able to look through things.
While his mistakes aren’t yours. My gf too felt like she had to suffer the same things I had too when I was on probation and had restrictions. I had to tell her to separate me from you. You go do you. Go enjoy the things I can’t. I know it sucks but as long as she’s happy. Good.
My gf is my rock and my guardian angel she helps protect and keep me focused on staying busy in life.
If you two work together and gave a strong future. There’s a potential team somewhere in that relationship.
I too am a Significant other of an RSO…one that did in fact have a victim in my family. Yes that means he did something immoral, wrong, cheated, disregarded me and my emotions and was deserving of being left…but he also was honest with me, fessed up, turned himself in for the crime, started therapy, stopped taking drugs, went on meds for his mental illness (depression and BPD), and gave me full transparency to start regaining trust. At the end of the day, I love him and have felt loved by him better than anyone else in my life ever and I chose to stay by him. People make mistakes, but how they take responsibility and accountability for those mistakes is what they should be judged by. Once you accept that you know how you feel about that person, nobody else’s opinions will matter anymore. Nobody is entitled to know the most intimate secrets between you and your loved one, and those that do who don’t respect your judgement aren’t going to matter if they exit from your life.