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Doubling the original length, you can say:

IÔÇÖm a 25-year-old female and one of my closest friends, a 23-year-old male whom I met a year ago, has recently been revealed to be a registered sex offender. Two years ago, when he was still in college at the age of 21, he was arrested for engaging in sexual relations with an 11-year-old girl and recording videos of the act. I only discovered this information after learning that he had done ÔÇ£somethingÔÇØ and decided to google his name.

According to him, he genuinely did not know the girl’s real age and had been led to believe that she was 18. While I comprehend that on rare occasions, children can appear much older, especially with makeup, the fact that she was only 11 is shocking to me. If she had been 14, it might have been more understandable, but the age of 11 is difficult to comprehend.

Despite the circumstances, I am trying my best to seek understanding and empathy for my friend. While he is in his 20s, he may still be quite immature emotionally. When we first met, I thought he was only 17 or 18 years old, not just based on his appearance, but also his overall demeanor and personality.

This situation has made me question my feelings towards him. We have a close platonic relationship, and I feel conflicted about suddenly changing my attitude towards him. I can’t shake off the disbelief and confusion surrounding the age of the girl involved in the case.

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Introduction
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8 Comments

  • Formal_Arachnid3391

    Hi, so IÔÇÖm not an RSO but a spouse.
    What I will say is in life we all make choices and sometimes we make really terrible ones. I canÔÇÖt really comment on if the ÔÇ£lied about the ageÔÇØ thing is true because I also canÔÇÖt really see an 11 year old appearing to be 18 to most adults. I have a very very early puberty. I was a C cup in 3rd grade, got my period when I was 8 or 9. Even with that, at 11, it was still pretty clear that I was just a really developed child.

    That being said, regardless of her age and regardless if she lied, it doesnÔÇÖt change the fact that that is what he was charged with. I will say that people absolutely can and do change. And that especially in early life/very early adulthood before brains are fully developed people can make some really fucked up choices. But people can also choose to be better.

    I also just want to point out that just because someone was charged with a crime against a child doesnÔÇÖt necessarily mean they are a pedophile. Being a pedophile actually has some very strict diagnosis related conditions. People commit crimes against children for a variety of ÔÇ£reasonÔÇØ none of which justify the crime but, loneliness, isolation, lack of developmental ability on the offenders part like intellectual or developmental issues like autism or mosaic downs which impact impulse control and decision making, can all play roles in these kinds of crimes. So can abuse on the offenders part, as many offenders where sexually or physically abused themselves.

    I can definitely understand your hesitation and I would definitely recommend talking to your friend directly and seeing the reaction and explanation you get. You can tell a lot about where they are in their healing and accountability process by their answer.

  • Lot_2_Learn

    Firstly I don’t believe that he thought an 11 year old was 18. I mean, that’s a kid just entering middle school. There’s absolutely no way you could go to a middle school and mistake any of those students for being 18. Some people are attracted to younger teens, and he decided to act on his attraction.

    That being said, at the end of the day his actions are in the past now and can’t be changed. Do you believe his past actions inform who he is as a person today? Or do you believe people can change given different circumstances? That’s up to you to decide. Personally, while some people will never change, I believe the majority of people can and I don’t believe in holding people to their past forever rather than holding them to the present. I’m aware not everyone shares this belief.

    We can instead work on helping victims to recover from harm, and making sure those who have caused harm are properly punished but then allowed to rehabilitate and move on with their lives after they’ve done their time so that they never do it again, and the cycle of abuse isn’t allowed to continue.

  • SButler999

    Do you know what happened with the case? Did he serve time in jail? I’d also assume he went through treatment? Treatment can really help a person change, and if he went through that process, he isn’t necessarily the same person that he used to be. All that most of us SO’s want is a 2nd chance. We can change. But, not all do. Yo have to try and figure out if he’s changed. Talk to him about his time in treatment and what he learned.

  • Weight-Slow

    IÔÇÖm locking this thread because some of these responses are atrocious.

    If you canÔÇÖt tell an 11 or 12 year old girl from an 18+ year old woman, maybe just donÔÇÖt date, and definitely ask for ID if you decide to.

  • Efficient_Pen_5216

    IMO forgiveness is based on the after action not the act itself. If I get a sense someone has taken accountability, not placing blame, has true remorse for past harms, and actively trying to be a better human then they deserve the benefit of the doubt. You, however indicated this person has a very low level of maturity for his age. Is he perhaps on the autism spectrum? Does he fully grasp right from wrong? Does he have impulse issues?

    You have a choice in the matter, you can decide to forgive and forget and only use his current actions to determine your path forward, or you can decide you really want to make an educated decision in the matter and question him about the situation. You can still come from a place of love and concern and understanding that doesn’t feel like an attack. If you opt for the latter though, and this guy is not reformed, you need to be prepared for the red flags. Look for signs of blame, holes in the story, lying, avoidance, or dismissiveness. If the flags exist and you choose to ignore them you may find yourself down the road still questioning your trust for someone you call a close friend. You may find yourself a future victim. You may be the one to discover a secret he’s holding far worse than his initial accusations.

  • Kgxo123

    IÔÇÖm dealing with a similar thing with my ex, he was arrested at 21 for statutory with a 14 year old and a 17 year old.
    Turns out the 14 year old was 15, I saw her at his court date and she had colored hair, a ton of face piercings and some small tattoos on her arms, and was taller than him and I, IÔÇÖm 24 and she looked about my age maybe slightly younger.
    She also lied about her age on an 18+ dating app, as did the 17 year old.
    So it is possible.