Resolving Couple’s Finance Split Disagreements with AI Legalese Decoder
- May 1, 2024
- Posted by: legaleseblogger
- Category: Related News
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## Financial Disagreement in a Long-Term Relationship
Recently, my significant other (26f) and I (26m) have been at odds over how to handle our finances. This disagreement stems from a decision made two years ago when we both embarked on a full-time, three-year studies program simultaneously. I opted to work full-time alongside my studies, aiming to graduate debt-free, while she chose to focus solely on her education, accepting student loans to cover her expenses.
Our financial arrangement involved me lending her money whenever she couldn’t contribute her share to our joint expenses, creating a tab for her to pay off once she completed her studies. This was done to spare her from incurring high interest rates on her student credit line. However, she recently expressed a different view on managing finances in a long-term relationship. She believes that after seven years together, we should be pooling our resources and sharing everything, expecting me to forgive the $20k debt she owes and continue supporting her without creating further debts.
I find myself torn between understanding her perspective and feeling taken advantage of. While I empathize with her challenges, I also question whether she is truly giving her best effort or taking advantage of my willingness to help. Despite agreeing with the concept of shared finances in a relationship, I struggle with the unequal sacrifices being made.
## How AI Legalese Decoder can Help
In this complex and emotionally charged situation, AI Legalese Decoder can provide a neutral and objective analysis of the financial arrangement and offer insights into potential solutions. By inputting relevant details of the agreement and the current dispute, the AI tool can generate impartial recommendations based on legal and financial principles. Additionally, it can help clarify any legal implications of modifying the debt agreement, such as recalculating it with a different split.
By leveraging the AI Legalese Decoder, you can gain a deeper understanding of your rights, responsibilities, and options in this financial conflict, enabling you to make informed decisions and navigate the situation with greater clarity and confidence.
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This sounds like a relationship issue and not finance. From a finance perspective she owes you 20k, she should pay you 20k.
Now everything else is relationship and personal preference. I put my wife through school but we have shared everything basically since 6 months into the relationship and we’ve been together for 8 years now.
Agree with others that this is more relationship than financial. I would like to point out a couple of things though:
1. You’ve already been sacrificing so much for the past 3 years so she can enjoy the lifestyle that she wanted but couldn’t afford,
2. She is not asking to compromise. She is not asking if there is some way that you both can come to an agreement on the debt. She hasn’t even acknowledged that it is indeed her debt. Instead, she disagrees with the way you think about it and wants to change that. She didn’t provide any suggestion whatsoever on how to make you whole, only for you to forgive the debt that she owes,
3. You are not actually more lucky to contribute more financially. You can contribute more financially because you worked and she decided not to. Luck hasn’t anything to do with it,
4. You feel like you are being taken advantage of because you previously had an agreement and now, without warning, she wants to change the agreement without dealing with the outcome of the agreement. That is is the essence of being taken advantage of. If she had instead said I would like us to consider having this type of agreement with our finances moving forward and I will pay you back then I doubt you would be feeling the way you are feeling now,
5. She is failing to acknowledge the tremendous sacrifice you have made to allow her not to work and because of this is coming across as entitled,
6. You are a very generous and supportive person and even when presented with this you are prepared to make offers and find solutions. From your post it doesn’t appear that your partner is as generous and supportive.
While I don’t need everything to be exactly fair down to the last cent, I tend towards fairness in situations like this. On the face of it, what she is asking does not sound fair to me. If you were actually married, I would feel differently, but this makes it seem like she was taking advantage of you for the last 7 years and is ok with that.
This experience I think is a window into how the rest of your life with this person is going to go.
Do with that information what you will.
How a couple keeps its finances is very individual and I will reserve any opinion of which is “right” or “best”.
But the fact of the matter is you and she discussed this, agreed to keeping separate finances, and established how your respective schooling would go. Had she said at the time that she can’t handle working while studying, and you agreed to sharing finances and supporting her through school this would be a different conversation.
Ultimately, she gave you the impression she was taking responsibility for her financial decisions (albeit later) and you were kind enough to offer her a zero interest loan at that. Now, after two years she wants to reverse the agreement after racking up debt and wants you to be responsible for it. All this while, you didn’t pay much attention to how she was spending her time or money because you figured she was fully aware of the costs associated with her choices.
And now, she still won’t work during her third year because she “can’t” even though she expects you to.
This will undoubtedly lead to the resentment you speak of, because she basically lied to you to have her cake and eat it too. Not working during school, and carrying no personal debt as a result of that choice because you’re responsible for paying her debts. You didn’t get the luxury of deciding if you wanted this situation ahead of time because she’s trying to change the agreement retroactively.
I don’t believe for a minute that she forgot the agreement since she’s seemingly borrowing money from you monthly and having it added to a tab. Unless you’ve never mentioned the tab in the entire two years and she has no access to the tab to see how much she’s accumulating.
Please tell me you have written documentation of your prior agreement. Otherwise you’re probably never going to see any of this money being returned to you. I also wouldn’t be surprised if your relationship comes to an end (either because she’s done using you for the free education or even assuming the best of intentions on her part, you find you’re not completely financially compatible and your resentful festers). At best, you’re at risk of things going sour and need to make some active choices to get back to a place of trust and partnership.
As an aside, many mature students with debts and financial obligations work while they’re in school. It seems to me a cop out to imply she’s in this minority who simply can’t (more likely just chooses not to). Many don’t have the luxury of choice. You just figure it out because the long term payoff of having the education is essential to your future.
The problem here is you didn’t get to choose or have a say in this *before* you found yourself having gifted her $20,000. It raises questions about what future costs will look like for weddings, property, children, amenities, etc. You’ve got a pretty clear blueprint and she’s telling you very loudly who she is. I say this as someone who does not believe in separating finances at all in a relationship. But that’s not what the issue is here.
Your gf makes me angry also because I have a disability and also did not have the “capacity” and still managed to have a job (three jobs!) to pay off my debts. She sounds like a princess.
This is definitely a case where she should pay you back. Now, going forward, you don’t have to do 50-50, but in this case it was 100% her decision to go into debt.
>I feel like I am in no position to truly know if she actually is trying her best or being complacent/lazy but I also dont feel like I can just believe her that easily.
If you don’t know her after 7 years together then you have to ask yourself when will you know her?
This is definitely more of a relationship issue than finance. I’m surprised she needed to be “reminded of the arrangement” if she’s been borrowing from you for the past 7 years or so.
Naturally though school is a very expensive period in life where expenses and high, and income is very low (if not zero).
You mentioned you’ve been together for 7 years, so it’s impossible judge a relationship of that length from a few paragraphs, but ask yourself is this a person you’re willing to sacrifice for? Do you believe she would sacrifice for you if the roles were reversed? Is this someone you plan on marrying? Have you expressed how you feel about the arrangement, her desires to have the debt waived, your feelings that you are sacrificing while she is not? If not, I strongly urge you to have that conversation. Sounds like the two of you should sit down and talk not only about how you want to handle finances, but also the type of futures you see for yourselves together long term.
So she went into an agreement about paying you back, knowing that she wouldn’t pay you back because she’s in a relationship with you. That’s not cool.
I agree with her on one part, you’re in a 7 year relationship and are a shared economic unit. But she also needs to recognize the sacrifice you’ve made to support her and yourself through school. If you feel you need that money so you don’t feel taken advantage of, then she needs to recognize that. That you feel used. That your trust is broken. That you depended on her for that as a symbol of her commitment to you.
Your next steps are couples counseling. She needs to hear how you feel and see how it has affected your relationship. And you guys need a path forward.
She can cry all day about being in a long term relationship and so it’s different now, but ultimately it means nothing if she’s broken your trust .
There is a question about fairness…..but also clearly around your very differing values around money. Not to undermine the 7 years together, but without a marriage license or a loan contract this arrangement is meaningless in a court of law. You might want to consider some counseling if you can have access to hash some of this out
You made an arrangement typical of two people who are dating. Wiping out the debt is something I would do in a marriage.
You have a choice to make, do you want to be married, either formally or informally? Informally means you act married, without the ceremony.
After 7 years, its about time you answer the question. Obviously, divorce/separation can happen, but as of this minute, where do you stand? Where does she stand?
The answer to your dilemna may be found in figuring out what you want in your relationship. Sort that out first.
*The 60/40 split is silly, it wont resolve it. In a years time, it will then be 70/30, followed by 80/20…and then wiped out.
This is truly a relationship issue but given you wanted perspectives, here’s mine. You agreed to basically become an interest-free loan granting bank for her. I get not wanting to work while attending school full time, I always worked and it was often hard. I still had to borrow money to get by. Her not contributing does not sound equitable to me, assuming you are equitable in all other matters (household chores etc). You will have to come to an agreement on how to move forward, and personally, I would insist that she start contributing.
You’re going to forgive the 20k and then she will break up with you.
> she disagreed with this view on couple’s finance. Her point was that after 7 years together, we should be sharing everything
This is a relationship issue more than a financial one. Since you’re asking for perspectives; to me she seems to have an incompatible outlook on finances to what you do. It’s not really “sharing everything” if she’s not sharing the responsibility of paying off debt she owes you, or keeping the agreement you had. How was it fine for her to accept this deal after 5 years of dating, but suddenly at 7 years it’s no longer valid?
Is there a chance she’s thinking of dumping you, and wants to get you to agree to not being paid back, before she does?
> we should be sharing everything
This is literally the opposite of sharing. You agreed to share expenses, but she’s not paying her share of the expense, she’s just expecting you to cover it all.
Even if you were to “share” her debt, splitting it evenly still means she owes you $10k.
It doesn’t sound like she wants to share anything, it sounds she wants to have no responsibilities and make you carry the burden.
However she may have just said something ridiculous out of sticker shock when she realized how much she owes you.
I do think it’s worth proposing that she could take on a larger share of the monthly household expenses for a while, as a sort of payment plan.
I definitely think couples counseling is in order if this is a relationship you wish to continue, then you’ll both need to work on communicating expectations.
She’s going to break up with you after you agree to this and her finances are all lined up.
Run away, you have only lost 20k so far.
While some may disagree, I would not be paying the debt or forgiving the debt of someone I am not married to. A long time ago I was burned by a a SO
It is simple – there wasn’t a fire lit under her ass to work and study while there was one for you.
You enabling her lazy behaviour has gotten you to be taken advantage of, if it were me knowing she has no interest in paying 20k debt. I would cut her off of all financial help, and see her tone change entirely.
She wouldn’t do this to the bank would she? So allow her to accrue interest in the real world and all this laziness will go away.
Absolutely fucking not. It’s her debt. Thats bullshit. (Yes, this is how I really feel)
Not that it matters but I am female and I’d be saying the same thing if the genders were reversed.
And you should have had this in writing.
Well, is she willing to do more stuff around the house?
Ie doing most of the cooking, meal prep tidying in lieu of financial contribution?
It sounds like you folks disagree on the definition of fair.
Ie. You look at it in the present value while she may see it in future value (when she is employed)
So the communication would be a discussion on the definition of fair and to close the gap between the present and future modality of contributions.
Also, you guys are technically common law, so in certain provinces she has claim to 50% of everything you own should you break up.
The issue is that what you have is a marriage but you’re trying to treat it isn’t. You may not feel like it is, but it is functioning as a marriage for these purposes. The reason why people cover a spouse’s debt is because it is an investment in the family unit. It pays off in the long run. Couples generally see the finances as a wash because even though someone is paying more now, the other person may earn more later or provide non-monetary tangible benefits to the household.
So the question is really around how you define this relationship and see it going in the future. It sounds like there is emotional difficulty dealing with the way the situation unfolded. Maybe a couples therapist can help you sort it out.
Break up or get married.
As noted by others you have a relationship problem and not a financial one. After 7 years why not get married and then just stop keeping score of finances? This sounds more like a business relationship than a committed intimate relationship where your spouses best interests come first.
If my wife and I were in this situation I know for a fact she would not come to me to tell me I shouldn’t get my money back.
But we would also not be in this situation because in a long term relationship, I wouldn’t be thinking “that’ll be her problem, not mine” and she wouldn’t be thinking “I’ll take on all this debt at my boyfriend’s expense and not pay it back.”
What are things going to look like long term, once you are both out of school? Are you both getting the same degrees? Are you both going to be working full time earning nearly the same amount? When does your schooling end?
>What I liked about our arrangement was that it allowed me to be okay with her spending lots of time on relaxing and leisure since she was the one that was going to have to deal with the consequences later.
Her feelings may be valid, but so are yours. Right or wrong, she agreed, because the arrangment allowed you to avoid feeling resentment towards her for “taking it easy”. Especially if you are both in the same program earning the same degree. By her choosing not to work, she took away the ability for you to make the same choice (or for you to go down to part time, for example).
It’s the bait-and-switch here that’s suspicious, for me. She didn’t want financial consequences, so she didn’t take a loan from the bank. She still doesn’t want financial consequences, so she’s trying to decline what she agreed to with OP and make it their 20k burden to reconcile.
This is a huge red flag, IMO.
That’s b.s.
She’s trying to wipe the debt clean, likely shocked to hear such a large figure.
I don’t like her back peddling and feel that she is taking advantage of you.
It’s begun and I don’t see it getting any better. Either be ok with her revision, or consider ending the relationship.
Money is no joke and I don’t like her mental gymnastics on how things should play out.
Time to rethink this relationship… sheS manipulating you 100% and she’s re negotiating the deal you made. If you don’t have kids just bail….Can’t trust her any more.
Let me just tell you now, you’re not getting that money back. And going forward, you need to reconsider this financial agreement.
You offered her this “loan”/arrangement so there is just no motivation for her to have to work and study at the same time. If she was contributing to the household chores and cooking and everything that comes with making your life easier (ie. doing groceries like you don’t have to), that’s a different story. But if not… now that she’s looking up her tally, she’s rethinking of ways to get out of it. And if she was your wife, it makes sense to wipe it. But she’s not your wife. You don’t know if you forgive this debt, she’d be out the door tomorrow. But you should also have known this “debt”, past a certain amount, was never going to get repaid anyway. You guys dated 4-5 years when you made the arrangement. Where did you think this relationship was going to go? Once you’re married, likely you guys would just have “absorbed” that debt into the family unit. And if you didn’t think you were going to end up with this girl 5 years in and went into this arrangement then…. well i hope you had something in writing.
Either way, i don’t feel like you would fully get back that money to be honest. So going forward, this is more a relationship issue. To me, unless this girl was contributing to the house in some other way, it seems like a breech of trust and would make me rethink if i want to go down this road. This post full-stop annoys me because she isn’t even coming up with a compromise of sorts. I don’t know what her intentions are but call me cynical, but she might be just trying to clear her debt before she leaves you.
Side note; what about interest free student loans?? why was her only option OP working or an 8% student line of credit?
I would never ever do that type of financial arrangement with a girlfriend, even a wife. It’s a recipe for souring the relationship. This seems more like a relationship issue than financial issue honestly.
She’s just lazy. Doesn’t understand you’re busting ass to be debt free.
When my (now wife) and I met we kept ledgers of our own expenses, down to the penny. We each paid for our own food and everything. After 3 years we decided to forget that and we combined all our assets and money. I also paid off $30,000 for her student loans with money I had. A decade later we are going strong and love each other. Sounds like your relationship has some issues though. You both need to be on the same page with your goals. Maybe have some discretionary funds for each of you to do what you want with? We do that. We each get $500 a month in our personal accounts to do what we want with and it allows us to buy gifts for each other too without the other knowing etc.
Get married before paying anything, it’s that simple.
I see a lot of this on this page. My opinion is if you are married everything is a team effort and that doesn’t always mean 50/50. If you aren’t you need to seriously reflect on what you are putting into a relationship financially on what your future goals are as a duo
100% bait and switch. 100% unacceptable. This was a LOAN, not a gift, and she needs to pay it back. Period.
This is not something you get to change your mind on after agreeing to it, unless there are major, unpredictable changes that happened, e.g. disability.
I know of one young woman (classmate in college in the late 2000s) who dated a much older man while in school, and they “agreed” that he would pay all rent and food while she was in school so she could focus on school (she only had to pay for her car). She proceeded to break up with him 3 months after graduating.
This also reminds me of something that happened with my ex. We had been together for 2 years, and she was completely broke – over 20k in student loans, making minimum wage and having 3 maxed out credit cards. As a stereotypical millennial of the 2010s, she wanted to travel. She eventually decided to go on a 1-week trip to Cuba, which cost her $1500 in trip expenses and missed wages (no paid time off at that job) – and at that time, did not have secure employment beyond 3 weeks after the trip. I begged her for months to drop the trip and stay at the job for 1 more month (which was an option)… but she refused to listen. Surprise surprise – 6 weeks after the trip, she was out of money and all her credit was maxed out. I ended up having to loan her $2600 so she would not starve and be evicted (and paid around $400 of groceries that I didn’t ask to be paid back for). I made it clear that this was a loan, because if she had listened to me, she would not have run out of money; she had not suffered any bad luck that would have justified me sacrificing so much when I wasn’t exactly doing ‘great’ either. I also forbade her from travelling until she had paid me back in full, which she deemed ‘abusive’. The relationship lasted another 19 months, during which she kept fighting for me to write off the debt; I refused since this would only have enabled further misbehavior and broken promises. (She ended up paying up.)
People who seek to get out of financial obligations and break promises don’t tend to change.
I have a sneaky suspicion that she’s fallen victim to some advice, either online or offline, on how “men should providers and that he should just cover it all for you if he truly values you. You’ve sacrificed enough” type of shit. Regardless on how you handle this particular situation, I think you are due for a serious conversation and recalibration of your shared values or lack there of.
r/relationshipadvice
but also, yeah you’re still young. her outlook on finances does not seem to match yours. remember finances is main reason for divorces. you gotta be more selfish and think for yourself. good luck
Accepting the fact you will just be in debt up to your eyeballs for decades is absolutely bonkers to me.
I went to school when I still lived with mom and dad. 17-22 … failing that, there’s no chance I would ever do full time school and just rack up debt for life expenses.
As others have said, this is a relationship issue. The only thing you can do is talk about it openly. While you’ve told us how you feel, have you told her? There’s no right or wrong answer, it just has to work for both you. But the biggest financial risk you both face is actually each other, not the market.
My first live in bf and I had a similar issue, and we split everything 50/50, but he would never catch up on his half. Had we ended up married, I would have just written off the balance. At the end, we were not financially compatible and I ended the relationship.
In our agreement, after the sale of our home he had to repay me back the balance he owed me and 50% of his vehicle that I paid off.
I’d maintain the balance and any amounts moving forward until you get married.
When she starts working if she hasn’t already, outside of splitting expenses, I’d maybe see if she’s willing to do a joint savings account where it’s a 70/30 split or even 60/40 for a couple years (auto withdrawel) I can understand the possible resentment.
Overall, your expenses are joint, but she should be willing to sacrifice a little for yours, unless she’s been doing it in the form of housework (main person doing chores and cooking, etc..)
Luckily, in our province, there is no interest in student loans. I would have just accumulated the loan and used it to pay for my half of the expenses.
If I were in your previous situation, I would have worked part-time, or at least tried to pay off the tab very slowly. (Even If took 5 or so years)
We do a fairly even split w my partner, but don’t keep tabs. Right now I’m back in school but still work (making less) so he’s covering 2/3rd for the next year or so, but if he ever wants to go back to school I’d do the same.
I’ve been living with my partner for 1 year (dating for 2), and we have a mortgage together. We treat our living expenses as a together thing. We both need a roof and food, so it doesn’t matter who pays for it. But it’s whatever we both feel OK with. He was willing to cover all the expenses while I was back in school, but I knew he’d have barely anything left to pocket, so I wasn’t ok with that. It’s a necessary expense, though, and if someone lost their job, i feel like keeping a tab would just make them feel worse.
Also, I view school as something that benefits both of us.
We have a savings account that we match, and everything else is kept separate. Likewise, I think of my own savings as something for both of us. For example, my retirement savings is something I assume will be split later down the line.
I don’t know, it’s complicated. Money is important, but the relationship is even more important. Changing the terms after the fact is a breach of trust, but yeah, I’d compromise further for the sake of the relationship. I’m not sure what you get from this compromise though, it’s the short end of the stick, for sure.
You had a deal and she’s going back on her word but seems more like a couples issues than finance. There was nothing wrong with your arrangement it’s just that now she sees what you saw before; a bunch of debt while you have none and if she had worked like you do she would have gotten used to it too. If anything she should reward you for working so hard while she didn’t, not the other way around. Does she do every drop of the cooking and housework or some other amazing contribution while you are working and studying? Maybe you could adjust the debt in that case, but I wouldn’t give her a free ride because that was never what you offered.
You were in a relationship for 5 years before you made this agreement. You should have always known that her debt would fall on you eventually assuming you didn’t break up. At the very least, it would always affect you, even if you kept finances separate. This is why my husband and I combined our finances 2 years into our relationship. Life gets way too complicated when you owe each other in a relationship. You were naive to think that this wouldn’t happen eventually. Your choices are to break up or come to a compromise you both agree with. In either case, it’s unlikely that you’ll get the 20k back
IMP If you are married (and you are common law already) then everything is pooled already. There’s no point nitpicking finances since everything is a shared pot already along with everything else in the relationship.