- December 3, 2023
- Posted by: legaleseblogger
- Category: Related News
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Introduction
Dealing with Overwhelming Struggles
Hello Fellow Group Members,
Struggles in My Mid 40s
As I reflect at my age, I find myself in the middle of overwhelming life challenges. My ex-wife, with whom I spent 14 years, betrayed my trust by cheating on me during the final three years of our marriage. Moreover, despite having three children together who are now adults in their early twenties, I have not had the opportunity to see them since 2019.
Additional Heartbreak with My Ex-girlfriend
Coping with heartbreak became even more challenging when my ex-girlfriend cheated on me while I was serving a six-month prison sentence as a condition of my probation. She even went as far as making plans with me and assuring me of her loyalty through letters, only to abruptly end our relationship upon my release from custody. She admitted that she had been planning this betrayal for months and did not even bother to pick me up from jail, as she was engaged with another man.
Struggles with Guilt and Shame
However, my internal struggles do not end there. I am deeply ashamed of the terrible things I did to my stepdaughter, who I had no contact with following my actions. It is clear that my predatory behavior towards her has undoubtedly had long-lasting negative effects on her life. This realization has left me with overwhelming feelings of guilt and remorse. I am aware that I will likely never be able to offer her the kind of love and support a father should, leaving her with lasting scars from her childhood experiences because of me.
Therapy and Financial Hardships
Currently, I am preparing to start therapy sessions and polygraph examinations in the coming weeks. However, I am fearful of the implications these sessions may have on my probation conditions, as any inconclusive results are prohibited. Additionally, my therapist is mandated to be of a particular type, which has added to my apprehensions as I struggle to open up about my deeply shameful actions.
Financially, my situation is dire as I am unable to secure employment due to the restrictions imposed by my probation officer and therapist. Despite searching for a job for an entire year, I continue to face financial pressures in the form of fees and fines, with each probation meeting serving as a reminder of my unemployed status.
Struggles with Living Conditions
My living situation further compounds my difficulties, as I am financially distressed and residing in my parents’ old RV, which lacks basic amenities such as hot water and adequate air conditioning. The RV, previously used for storage, is cluttered with hoarded items, making it an unsuitable living environment.
Struggling with Mental Health
The overwhelming weight of my decisions and the ongoing struggles in my life have taken a significant toll on my mental and emotional well-being. Despite my efforts to appear composed in public, internally, I am distraught and battle severe depression daily. Simple tasks become a chore, and I am consistently overwhelmed with feelings of regret and self-loathing, to the extent that I feel life is no longer worth living. The mental and emotional exhaustion have led me to contemplate suicide on numerous occasions. However, my love for my family and pets has prevented me from acting on these impulses, as I am unwilling to inflict additional pain on those close to me.
Seeking Solace and Support
I am reaching out to this group in desperate need of guidance and support. If any of you have experienced similar struggles and have successfully overcome them, I would greatly appreciate any advice or words of encouragement. At this point, I feel like I am on the brink of giving up, and I do not know how much longer I can endure this anguish.
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You will eventually dig yourself out of it. My advice in the present moment is to stay busy. Do yard work, find a project, like that RV you are living in, and see what you can do to make it nicer. Help your family out with work and shores or just spend time with them.
Also, start filling out applications for any and all general labor jobs you can. Construction, gas stations, car wash, and devote a couple of hours each night doing just that.
The rejections will get to you, as it did to me, but just rant and rave, pick yourself back up and keep at it. 40 isn’t as old as you think. Just think back to 20 years ago, you still have that, plus more time to go yet.
Giving up hurts the people you care about, the people who care for you. Learn, adapt, and overcome.
I cant offer much help except… clean up the RV youre in as best as you can.
I mean IMO, how lucky are you to have a roof over your head and a safe, consistent place to sleep each night.
There should be a gym somewhere were you can shower. Go and walk on a treadmill and take a nice long hot shower. Most gyms have private stalls now. Privacy! Another way you are lucky.
As far as job hunting, all you can do is try and pivot. Think about what you can do and not what you cant.
As far as what you cant do, try and make it your choice. Youre choosing to change careers.
Youre choosing to find a different direction.
This will pass. Find a single thing that you love and focus on that as a starting point for rebuilding. Sounds like your fur babies might fit that bill.
Go to bed and get up every morning at the same time, just as if you were about to go to work.
As you do your morning routine, look in the mirror and tell that person three times that
1. You are worthy of love and respect (because you are)
2. You are going to be OK (because you are)
3. Today is going to be a good day (because it is…come what may)
Our self talk is the most important words we hear whan it comes to our mental health. Tell yourself tthat you’re amazing. Because you are. Tell yourself that you’re all of the things the darker voices tell you that you aren’t.
And cut out the negative forces in your life. They’ll only drain you. When you go to your poly, self talk yourself on the way and go in with a smile and a good attitude.
They can’t take your birthday. They can’t eat you.
Love and peace to you, friend. May you find brightness in the dark.
I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I know what it’s like to lose everything, and I sympathize with what you’re going through. Like everyone here, my advice is to focus on one thing at a time, and do that thing.
Have you ever seen the movie the Martian? In it is a lesson that I wish everyone could master. Pick 1 problem, just one, and solve it all the way through. All of your problems need to be solved, and they all seem like they could end you, but you can’t control that.
So pick a problem, like not having a job, or cleaning the RV, and don’t think about anything but that problem. Then, when it’s solved, move on to the next.
Get into a SALifeline group as soon as you can. They are free, and they can help you get started with a support group and some material to focus on.
After you get a job, get private therapy. I can’t stress this enough. If all you eat is ramen or rice and beans, prioritize getting private therapy from a specialist in sex addiction. It saved my life in a big way.
I feel for how hard this is on you, and I sincerely hope you choose to stick around so you can see how many more good days your life still holds.
https://sal12step.org/find-a-meeting/
I understand all you are saying. I am deep in depression and multiple times in past 4 months have thought about ending it. I keep holding on to the words kind people and hoping that on the other side I can help someone else.
I hope you can find one reason, no matter how small, to love yourself. You just need one to get you through this time. Like, maybe the fact that your fur-babies love you because you do good for them.
You are not the worst thing you’ve done. You are you- a complex individual of rights and wrongs, and you’ve already done the worst you can do- now you can do better.
I’m nearly 50 and worked using my degree, and in management, before all of this. I received a TBI from surgery shortly after my trial. So between my legal/parole limitations and my brain injury, employment was impossible. Then I find out that a local animal shelter needed part time helpers. It’s WONDERFUL! It is messy and loud, but lovely fun. I hope you have something like that you can do.
You don’t have to make it through tomorrow, just today.
Namaste.
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Look into driving jobs, via craigslist and other places where people post looking for help. I found a pretty kick ass parking lot cleaning job that is a night shift – and pays 20hr$ to basically drive a truck and clean lots. It’s fun and I work all by myself so don’t have to deal with anyone’s bullshit. The business is family owned so no background check and they didn’t care that I disclosed to them I was a felon. They were just happy to find someone enthusiastic to work and showed up on time. Been doing this for a year now and saving money while living out of my car.
Is it ideal? Of course not. But it’s totally manageable and I have made peace with my circumstances.
This may sound stupid but honestly bro you just need to be happy that you are alive. Millions never made it to 40, they died along the way. But you didn’t, so start there. Happy you are alive. Start finding that child-like joy again, I love going for drives, listening to music, looking at the clouds or a kick ass sunset. Eating food, talking shit online, binge watching YouTube podcast or tv shows. If this is all my life will ever be then I’m totally okay with that because it’s more then enough to keep me occupied.
Don’t worry about what others think. Life is just one gigantic cope anyways. So just find a way to cope and do that until you feel ready to move on.
Other than that there is nothing we can do about the past. It is what it is. We are not on the same road as before, and never will. The new road you are on has it’s potholes and bumps but so did the last one. If you can manage to adjust your expectations you will be happy again.
Your last few paragraphs!
I know that feeling, IÔÇÖm there now! Lost it all.
Last 24 hours I havenÔÇÖt slept. Bad thoughts going through my head. Like a faces of death movie!
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I understand, how you can feel like your life is over, but at least you HAD one. You even still have a family that would be devastated if they lost you and accepting of you even with what you had done.
My boyfriend is 20. His offense happened at 15, because his mom let him do drugs and had a severe porn addiction. He doesnÔÇÖt even remember the offense. I was the one who told him the truth about his offense because no one in his family took him in BUT his grandma. She kept him in the dark made him live like he was still in juvie. He never even got to live. He had no child hood. He spent two years in juvie and therapy which he all passed because he wasnÔÇÖt and isnÔÇÖt attracted to mnrs. You are so lucky to have had a life and though you no longer have that same life, there is always always a chance someone will accept you.
When he told me he was a SO I accepted and loved him still. I barely knew him for a month before he told me. (IÔÇÖm 23)
It isnÔÇÖt over stay optimistic. Idk how my boyfriend does it (been together for 9 months now) but he just finds the positives in everything keeps himself busy because thatÔÇÖs ALL YOU CAN DO. DonÔÇÖt live in a past you canÔÇÖt change. ƒÆô Good luck the life you live now will never be consistent, but just think about a new challenge or a new adventure itÔÇÖll take you on whether good or bad.
What everyone else said applies. It gets better , you need time. Push through.
Are you in MD ? The therapist sounds like the one I had years ago. Huber and Associates is the name
I did not blame any victims, I supported therapy, I explained psychology how things work in life. I have a degree in child psychology and was explaining what we are taught about marriage and love. I wad careful to not step on any toes. Please explain to me which lines or words I used that were wrong so I can a viod this form happeneding again. I do give a lot of comments and rarely any complaints. But willing to adjust.
Same here
I feel like giving up sometimes