The wackiest headlines from the week as they would appear in a Classifieds section.

PRIMATE PHARMACIST: A new study revealed that a wild orangutan chewed up medicinal leaves and applied the juice to a cut on its face, showcasing that humans aren’t the only species that knows how to treat a wound with medicine. Even more impressive, a naked mole-rat was seen creating a makeshift pimple patch after a breakout.

PEST CONTROL W/ CHARISMA: Beekeeper Matt Hilton became a local hero when he removed a colony of bees that decided to build a home on the Arizona Diamondbacks field, delaying a game by almost two hours. Hilton’s bug spray earned him so much love from the crowd that he was chosen to throw out the ceremonial first pitch.

SEEKING PRIVATE SUB CAPTAIN: The wealthy have yachts, but the ultrawealthy will soon have yachts that can disappear underwater at the first sign of trouble. An Austrian company said it’s developing a 540-foot “submersible superyacht” that can stay underwater for about a month.

ISO PILFERED PUSHKINS: At least 170 rare first-edition books have disappeared (some likely stolen) from national libraries across Europe since 2022. Most of the books have been replaced by convincing fakes—only a real Gogol-head would be able to tell the difference.

SERIOUS SAPS ONLY: Scientists developed a first-of-its-kind method to determine whether sap is low quality (aka “buddy sap”) or syrup-grade. Currently, syrup producers have to boil sap down and run it through the entire syrup-making process to find out if it is OK for consumers or if they’d have to send it to a Denny’s.

$7,000 CHAIR: The new symbol of “making it” for rich millennial guys now seems to be a bank-busting Herman Miller Eames lounge chair. Convertible Mustangs and authentic katanas are so out.

RETIRED SUPERCOMPUTER: Finally, a desktop that won’t get hot when it’s running The Sims. The US government is auctioning off a giant 5.34-petaflop supercomputer that in 2016 was the 20th most powerful computer in the world. The price has already hit $480,000.—MM